That's Me

That's Me

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Shopping the Last Weekend Before Christmas *Alternate Title: I Made It Out Alive*

I was stupid & went shopping yesterday. I had to get the rest of the Christmas gifts because I suddenly realized that this was the last weekend before Christmas. That wasn't the stupid part, but let me just say here that I do not like having Christmas so close to Thanksgiving. It cut my prep time short, which really just means it cut the number of paychecks for me to spread the shopping over. But the stupid part was that I went shopping on the last Saturday before Christmas. Dear Lord, I didn't think I'd make it out alive. But I did, so I get to share my unpleasant experience with the world or, at least, the amount of people that read my blog. 

I went to Kohl's, which was as expected for the last Saturday before Christmas. I wasn't surprised by any craziness there & I actually got a shopping spot 10 cars from the front door, which made me think that I was going to have a good day. A very good day.

So I'm shopping, finding all sorts of deals, so very proud of myself for getting everything that this particular child wanted for so very cheap. Not only was I getting good deals, but dude, I was totally shopping for free. I get all these Ebates checks & points throughout the year for my shopping online & in real stores. For 2 weeks' worth of my regular ol' trips to Dollar General, I earned enough Plink points to get a $25 gift card to Kohl's. A couple months of that & I'm seriously sitting on a gold mine of Kohl's gift cards, right? What's more fun than shopping the last weekend before Christmas? Shopping for free is definitely more fun than that, for sure.

So I'm going about my way, picking up & tossing into my cart things that will make my child burst into smiles of pure delight, & pretty darn happy that I'm getting to do this by myself. Even if it's shopping with a 2.7 million crabby, stressed out women pushing me aside so they can get that perfect sale item or men grumbling in my direction about how their wives should be shopping alone like I am, it was still worth it to be doing it alone.

As I was trying to spread my Christmas cheer by smiling at an especially grumpy woman who was obviously very jealous that I didn't have my children in tow like she did, I stopped mid-smile as I saw a beam of light right behind this woman's head. It was my very own beacon from Heaven, just like the 3 wise men got at the birth of Jesus. Like the wise men following the star, I followed this beacon of light. I pushed past the jealous woman yelling at her 3 boogery, crying children that they would not be leaving until she found the perfect sweater for Grandma because she has no idea what else to get the old bag because she purposely only sees her once a year, dammit, & past the boogery children who were crying about wanting to go to Toys 'R Us & not the boring clothes store.

I walked around the yoga pants rack, only glancing down once & then reminding myself that I was about to get myself a new pair at Victoria's Secret because I had a $10 gift card & the yoga pants that I love are on sale for $25.00, so on I went to this beacon from Heaven.

As I stepped past the yoga pants, I paused as I saw the glowing light shining down. And right in front of me, there it was in all its shining glory. The Beatles top that I had wanted a month ago but was priced at $35.00 & I just wouldn't pay it. There it was with the digital sale display staring right at me, practically yelling, "SALE PRICE $9.99". I was in a trance. I couldn't see anyone around me. I couldn't hear anything but a choir of angels singing from right above my head, while another Heavenly being shone that beacon right on the only one in my size. I didn't look around, I didn't pause, I didn't even breath for fear of someone else grabbing the last Beatles top in my size. I walked forward, holding my breath, hand outstretched, & I grabbed that top.

The angels sighed.

The beacon faded until the only lights left were the florescent store lights above me.

And I was standing there in the middle of Kohl's, oddly aware of the strangers around me who may or may not have seen the blissful smile on my face & the trance-like state I had just been in.

I put the top in my cart & continued on my way, happy that the parking & price gods were smiling on me on this last Saturday before Christmas when all could go terribly wrong. Instead, I was having a good day.

After checking out, paying with my "25% off all purchases, included sale & clearance items" coupon & gift card, I got to my truck & changed into my new Beatles top. I took a picture & sent it to hubby.

So happy with my score that I totally
missed what was glaringly obvious to others.
P.S. Those are my new glasses. 

I carried on my way to the mall. Still thinking that since I got a great parking spot at Kohl's & a great price on the top I've had my eye on, I wasn't worried about how the trip to the mall would go. I knew it'd be crazy but I wasn't worried. 

I've been to LA. That was the worst traffic I have ever encountered in my entire life. I thought I'd die while there, either from an accident or a panic attack, because people totally drive as if they can do whatever they want. People don't signal before u-turning in the middle of the street, causing all lanes of traffic to suddenly stop. Drivers don't care how many cars are going the opposite direction, crossing the street they are wanting to turn left onto, they just turn anway--hey, the other cars will either disappear or stop. That's the motto that I am convinced that LA traffic lives by. Like, they don't even go to driver's ed there. You turn 16, go to the DMV, & they tell you, "Just turn whenever you want to because the other cars will either disappear or stop. It's all good." Yesterday I was wishing I was in LA traffic, because it would have been calmer & easier to drive in than what the city in Wisconsin turned into. 

It took 20 minutes to go 2 car lengths. In the time while I was sitting still, waiting for traffic to move, cars still managed to drive into each other. How hard is it to see that the car in front of you is not moving & to know that if that car is not moving, you shouldn't be either? Idiots. 

Nothing like sitting still, with nothing
but time on your hands. 

I finally survived the drive & was turning into the mall, when all hell broke loose. I had never seen people get out of their vehicles at the mall to direct traffic before, but now I have. There were people jumping out of their cars & waving people through to the parking lot just to make a break in the vehicles for other cars to turn. Without them, there would have been no open spaces for anyone to turn to the parking lots because no one else was leaving room for cars to get through. As I was at a stand still my truck started getting very hot. I get hot easily. I rolled down my window. The guy in the lane next to me, going the opposite direction--exiting the mall--rolled down his window & said, "Lady, you're making a huge mistake. Don't go in there!" He was so serious, I felt my blood run cold. I was suddenly very afraid. 

But the parking & price goddesses were looking down on me, right? I had nothing to fear on this day, the last Saturday before Christmas. 

How wrong I was. How very wrong.

After enduring the traffic & people trying in vain to invent parking spaces in their desperate attempts to end their turn in the driving madness, I finally parked. I finally got in the mall. 

And here is where I will just C&P the chat between hubby & me...

Me: Walked through the mall rockin my new top. At third store the cashier told me I still had the size sticker, the long ass strip of tape, on my boob 3:46PM

Me: I'm a dork 3:46PM

Hubby: LMAO 3:46PM

Me: "It's a really great shirt though" she said 3:46PM

Hubby: that's f'in hilarious 3:46PM

Me: which translates to "I feel so bad for you I have to say something nice" 3:47PM

Hubby: LOL it's in the picture you sent me! 3:47PM

Me: I know 3:47PM

Hubby: that is totally awesome 3:47PM

Hubby: I would have kept rockin it 3:47PM

Me: One of the rare times I had a real blush instead of a hot flash that looks like a blush 3:48PM

Me: I was so embarrassed 3:48PM

Hubby: yeah I bet 3:48PM

Hubby: funny though 3:48PM

Me: not yet 3:49PM

Hubby: (I totally see a blog post here...) 3:48PM

In my defense, I had taken off the price tag & 1
sticker already.
What kind of shirt has 2 size stickers, 1 on each boob? 

Yeah. I was wrong about that whole good day thing. 

See that 1 lonely car in the entrance lane
to the mall? That's because as I was
leaving, the entrance was blocked
by cars not giving a damn that they
were blocking roads. It was madness,
I tell you, madness!

They were lined up behind me
Hey, I was bored.

Very, very wrong. After that, it was all downhill. 

I was much too aware of which people forgot their deodorant that morning as we were thrust against each other in the throngs of shoppers, one of the stores didn't have any shirt boxes so I got pants boxes instead, my bags were much too heavy & I had no one to carry them for me, people bumped into me without apologizing, the traffic had only become worse by the time I left the mall, I had to park in the farthest parking spot at Sam's Club, the Sam's Club samples were so delicious that I got suckered into buying the product, after eating so many samples I was thirsty & the wine samples just weren't big enough to make up for the day, the full-size cup of coffee sample was extremely hot so I had to burn my hand while carrying it around Sam's until I could drink it, Sam's was out of the bag of potatoes I wanted so I had to get the other potatoes for making my lefse, & then the checkout woman was annoying. 

Checkout lady: Oh, I love your shirt! 

Me: Thank you! I'm obsessed with The Beatles. 

Checkout lady: I have no idea who they are.

Checkout girl: But I got a shirt at Walmart for $35.00 with all their faces on it. 
Me: Cool. 
Check out chic: Actually I didn't know who it was, I just saw a bunch of cute guys on a shirt, so I bought it. When I got home I saw it said The Beatles so I looked them up cuz I was like, oh, they must be somebody. Then I found out who they are. 
Checkout Talker: They have all their faces on it. [leans towards me with wide eyes & a very excited look] Even the dead guy


Checkout Clueless Girl: I know! I was shocked too. I mean, how rare is it to find a shirt of The Beatles where they include the dead one? 
Me: know he wasn't dead when they took the picture, right? 
It was her turn to stare at me as that thought sunk in. 

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