That's Me

That's Me

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

I Made Kombucha

After years of considering it, I finally gave in & made kombucha. If you have been under a rock, or haven't been smothered in hippy-ness like I have, & have no idea what kombucha is, you can click here to read about it. 

SCOBY making baby SCOBY in
brewing kombucha.

Basically, you get a SCOBY (Symbiotic Colony Of Bacteria & Yeast--doesn't that sound super yummy?), which is the starter for this tea. Then you make sweet tea & put the SCOBY in it. It sits for a week on your counter & then you drink it. Basically.

Brewing Kombucha.
Looks delish, no?

Okay, no, it doesn't look delish. In fact, it tastes like it looks & I would like to take this moment to call out every single one of my hippy friends who told me it is delish. You're crazy. Plain ol' crazy. 

I got my SCOBY from a friend who carefully packaged up one of her Tea Babies for me so that I could make my first batch. I handled that SCOBY like gold, babied it, loved on it, cooed at it, told it how amazing it was to share its wealth of nutrition with my beloved family. Then I followed the directions to the T, made the sweet tea, cooled the tea so that heat wouldn't ruin the precious Tea Baby. Carefully sliding my precious Tea Baby into the perfectly temperatured sweet tea, I couldn't wait to try it in a week. 

The morning of the Reveal Day finally arrived. I gathered my excited family around me, all chattering about how they couldn't wait to taste this magnificent Kombucha & how their dreams were finally being realized at this very moment. With bated breath, they all watched as I slowly & dramatically lifted the tea towel covering the brewing kombucha. 

Then I held my breath. Because it smelled like I had boiled Boy Teenager's sports socks after his 2-hour weight lifting & wrestling session, then let them marinate in their juices for a week. Seriously. 

Not to upset my family & shatter their dreams of nutritious, delicious tea, I poured us all a glass while not saying a word about the aroma. 

Hubby's Whiff Face.
"I have to
drink this?!"
Turns out I didn't need to say a word about the aroma. As soon as they each grabbed for a glass, unable to hold back their excitement, each family member's nose wrinkled in unison. It was quite impressive because it takes quite the feat to get this many people to do anything in unison. 

Of course I documented their reactions. It was that awesome of a drink.

Hubby's Taste Face.
Says it all.
Amazing Grace's Taste Face.
"Why did you make me
drink that, Mother?!"

Blondie's Taste Face.
A little tangy? 

My Whiff Face. 

My Taste Face. 

 I gave Dad 2 a cup & asked him what he thought of my new sweet tea recipe. He didn't hesitate before declaring it the most vile drink ever. All the children tried it. All of the children detested it.

What a disappointment after all that anticipation.

After everyone got their taste & refused a second sip, I decided to check out the SCOBY. "Check out the SCOBY" means I picked it up & pulled it apart. Everyone was quite disturbed when I told them it feels like a placenta. No one would touch it with me though. Weirdos.

How appetizing is that? SCOBY bits.

Hubby wouldn't let me near him with my  placenta Tea Baby fingers. Don't know why. The enticing odor? The beautiful slimy bits clinging to my fingers & in my fingernails? Yum.

Don't push me away, dear. That's not nice. 

While hubby was ducking & running around the kitchen table to get away from my Tea Baby fingers, the dog was happily jumping to see what I had in my hand. He wouldn't stop begging to see what delicious food I had on my fingers, so I let him smell it. 

"Mmm, smells tasty.
Think I'll take a lick."

And he did lick it. He licked it all off of my hand. I'm not sure if he loved the Tea Baby Placenta that much or he was just excited that I, for the first time in his life, was letting him lick me. I have my suspicions which it was, because as soon as he was done, he turned around, ran into Boy Teenager's room and...

...spent 10 minutes wiping his face on the carpet.

So Kombucha is a fail, even with the canine family member, in this house. I buried the original Tea Baby Placenta & the newly-produced Tea Baby Placenta in my garden. Some people bury their baby's placenta so the nutrients can feed their garden, so why not. I shared the nutritional wealth with my green peppers. Sadly, 2 of my pepper plants stopped producing recently. I don't want to accuse the Tea Baby Placenta, but they were doing fine before I did that, so it is rather fishy. 

The spaghetti squash plant that I poured the remaining  Old Gym Sock Juice  kombucha over, on the other hand, is producing more squash than I have ever, ever seen 1 plant produce. Note: kombucha good for spaghetti squash, kombucha placenta bad for green peppers. 

I do have a fear that all of these tons of spaghetti squash that I am suddenly growing will walk themselves out of the garden & knock on my door one morning, all angry that I poured vile juice on them. I don't want to confront angry walking spaghetti squash.

When I told my cousin's wife that we did not particularly enjoy the kombucha, she told me to go buy some already made flavored kombucha to see if I like it that way & compare if my batch maybe didn't taste how it's supposed to. Off I went to the health food store that my friend owns. I bought every flavor she had. At $2.99 a 12-oz. bottle, I spent a small fortune giving it the good ol' Eddi Effort. As much as I spent, I had to like one of those flavors. 

I didn't. Hubby didn't. I told the kids how Cousin's Wife insisted it really was good & that we just needed to try a flavored version instead of the plain 1 I'd made. Or maybe mine just wasn't what it was supposed to taste it. It took some convincing but they agreed to give it a second chance. They didn't like it. 

It's official, Cousin's Wife, you are just as crazy as my hippy friends. It is not as delish as you told me it is & I am pretty sure it is going to take a lot of work on your part to get my kids to trust your opinion again. 

But no worries, we still love you. As long as you don't serve us the Placenta Gym Sock Tea you have brewing on your counter right now. 

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