That's Me

That's Me

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Mooing Men & Public Spitting

I don't know if it's that I attract unique situations or it's me that makes the situations unique. I don't understand why these things don't happen to other people.

Picture this: I'm in a store, looking at a rack of skirts, when I realize there is something small on the side of my tongue. Just sitting there. I panicked.

Now jump into my head for just a moment...

My worst nightmare has come true. My teeth are falling out. In public. I'm losing my teeth! No!!'s round. Teeth aren't round. And small. And smooth. The ball of my tongue ring came off. Whew.

Okay, now how do I discreetly get it out of my mouth so I don't swallow it?

There is no discreet way to expel something from your mouth in public.

Should I dive head first into the clothing racks so I'm hidden from the knees up? Should I run for the fitting rooms, screaming "fire" all the way so that everyone flees & I'm sure to have an open room to run straight into? Should I raise one arm over my head & loudly fake yawn while I cover my mouth with the other hand? Do I make choking sounds & do the Heimlich on myself? Do I start screaming about the tongue ring I just sucked up from my caramel frappuccino & how I'm going to sue Starbuck's?

While I don't shy away from attention, none of those would bring the type of attention I particularly enjoy. And I really don't see me being able to nonchalantly walk away after any of those scenarios. At least one of those ideas is illegal & I'm not made for jail.

I will do what any other person in my situation would do. Look around while scratching my head so that it's not obvious that I'm purposely looking around. Don't wanna look like I'm looking around so that I can slip things into my purse. Ignore the people looking back.

I quickly spit it into my hand & put the whole thing in my pocket after making sure my pocket didn't have a hole in it. At that point I didn't care what people were thinking of me. At least I didn't look at stupid as the other options would have had me looking.

The unique situations didn't stop there for me. Oh no. Why would they? Gotta make my day interesting, yo.

A man at the mall moo'ed at me.


"Wanna moo at me again?"

I was walking out of Victoria's Secret, bags in hand, looking at my phone, when I heard a moo.

It was a man working in a shoe store I was walking past.

I quickly decided I was not going to look at the person who moo'ed. No rewarding him with thinking he can get a response out of a woman when he moos at them. I saw him out of the corner of my eye.

Perhaps this is the mating call of the Idiot World? I don't know 'cause I'm not a part of that world.

I did resist the urge to walk over to him & shove my foot so far up his butt that he'd have to sneeze to get it out.

When I told Amazing Grace about it, she said, "Maybe he's like me & just likes to moo at work." Yeah, maybe. Wait...what?

Amazing Grace likes her boyfriend's calves. Not the ones on his legs. He lives on a dairy farm. She likes to moo like them. And not just at them or at me, apparently she also does it at work.

She's an odd one.

But then she's not the one that stood in a store trying to figure out how to spit out a tongue ring that had come undone...

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