That's Me

That's Me

Saturday, April 6, 2013

Adventures of Future Nurses

Come along with me & join me in the Adventures of Future Nurses.

Can you tell me what kind of class had me:

...obey the instructions on this tool...

Not just 1 blow, but 2.

...and watch my partner's boobies move rhythmically up & down while she repeatedly panted for 2 minutes straight?

Any ideas on what we were doing in class with all that fun? Get your mind out of the gutter! Jealous? Of course you are! Wish you were in my class with me? Of course you do!

We were actually having fun hyperventilating & holding our breath. Well, Co-conspirator was hyperventilating/holding breath. I wasn't allowed to participate, what with my recent bout of pleurisy & it's not really a good idea to aggravate your respiratory system while it's healing. Bummer. It sure looked fun to turn blue.

So Co-conspirator held her breath or hyperventilated, I watched the clock, counted breaths aka boobie bounces (not all at once or in that order), & told her what to do & when to do it. I also threatened to tickle her, told her dirty jokes, & did my best to interrupt what she was supposed to be doing. 

The photo is exactly what it sounds like. It's a blowing machine. Picture a room of 20 women (& 1 idiot man) all learning how to correctly blow. We had slow blowers that didn't produce much action on their machines, we had fast blowers that resulted in prematurely released results, & the awesome blowers that knew what they were doing & got the exact results they were supposed to. Hmm...practice much? 

Now, what kind of teacher would leave my Co-conspirator & me, of all people, alone & not expect us to do this...

Goochie goochie goo!

He was asking for it. He sits behind me, he taunts me, I feel him staring at me throughout the labs. His bare cheeks were just hanging out, all perfectly round & unflabby. How could I not give him a little tickle? 

He enjoyed it. 

Another man that was enjoying himself during class was the idiot man that I must share breathing space with. The man who wears 1980's high-waisted corduroy pants with sweater vests & polos & torments me with his annoying questions & shoes that look like skis. The man who, when this class was told we'd have to exercise for 2 minutes straight for an experiment, announced to no one in particular, "That's fine with me. I exercise regularly." 'Cause anyone cares? 

This idiot man actually provided the best entertainment at the best time. And he had no idea he was doing it. While Co-conspirator was holding her breath for like, the millionth time, we look over to see him doing jumping jacks. 

Remember how he "exercises regularly"? First off, he doesn't know how to do a jumping jack to save his soul. He looked like a 4 year old copying his older sibling, trying his best to be like the "big kids" but just not quite getting his uncoordinated limbs to do exactly the same thing. Second, when he was done, he laid across the lab table & panted like a dog in August. Exercise regularly, my ass.

But while he was doing his jumping jacks, I noticed that his ever so lovely slacks don't exactly fill out the way they should. In fact, his behind looked like something I've seen before. I leaned over to my Co-conspirator, who I was timing for how long she could hold her breath, & said, "Reminds me of when my kids were little & ran around with saggy diapers."

It's grosser on an adult.

Poor girl didn't have a chance at beating any breath holding records with me as a partner. I like to think of it as me saving her from passing out.

Sometimes I wonder why God made idiots. Other times I thank Him for making them so that I have this particular brand of entertainment that I don't otherwise find on a daily basis.

Before you get too jealous, I will tell you that with all that fun, for the next 24 hours I also got to wear the smell of rotten pig lungs in my nose. Yes, you read that correctly. We had to dissect lungs & we were the fortunate class to get the rotten lungs from the freezer.

I can handle a lot of stuff. A lot of smells. A lot of sights. A lot of things that normal people cannot handle. Very few smells cause me to get light headed & dizzy. This was one of those smells & I honestly thought I was going to faint at one point.

Rotten pig lungs I came close to losing it on. I have only smelled that smell 2 others times--1 when someone wanted to keep her baby's placenta but didn't know what to do with it so she kept it in a garbage bag under her bed. I found it when baby was 2 weeks old & no one knew what that nasty smell was. The other time was a hospice patient with internal bleeding issues. That is all I will say about him. Rotten organs have a distinct smell that you never forget & I don't think there is anything else in the world that even comes close to that aroma.

I've learned to enjoy the fun moments in nursing classes & hang onto the memories because the Rotten Pig Lung days greatly outnumber the Blowing Contest days.

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