To Whom It May Concern

Dear Teenage Driver Of Old Beat Up Black Car Next To Me At Stop Light, 

Thank you for sharing your preferred genre of music with me. It was so thoughtful to have it turned up enough that I could hear it over my own music choice & with all of the windows in both of our vehicles rolled up. As much as I appreciate that you enjoy that particular song, I do think you'd enjoy it better if you had a proper sound system so that your bass isn't distorted while rattling all windows within a 5 mile radius of your car.  

Dear My School, 

I'm not sure what was going on yesterday, but as I waited in the hall for my class, I couldn't help but warn my fellow  coconspirator classmate with my text of "Smells like ass in here". But just to be sure that it smelled like ass & not I smelled like ass, I had to do a self-sniff. I do not appreciate being put in the position to have to do a self-sniff. I am hygienic. I shower. I wear deodorant & perfume religiously. I brush my teeth several times a day. I am not a stinky person. I know this, but when something smells that bad & the odor doesn't get worse or less as I'm walking, a wee bit of paranoia starts to creep into my brain. I did the Ninja Look Around--you know, the one where you look left, look right, look left again to make sure no one will see what you're about to do, all while trying to not look obvious that you're doing the Ninja Look Around. After doing the Ninja Look Around I did a few self-sniffs of my pits & my shirt. I also lifted my feet to make sure I didn't step in anything. The school did indeed smell like ass so I sent my text. If you're going to "burn piles of shit" as my classmate put it, please do so after the building has cleared. 

Dear Instructor, 

Thank you for promptly grading our tests. I do feel there was an error on my grade, even as great of a grade as it was. On one of the essays I was supposed to describe in full detail a certain process of protein synthesis & I didn't get any points for my essay. I think I deserve to get those points because I did in fact, quite thoroughly & in great detail, describe the process of translation in protein synthesis. Just because you asked for a full description of transcription, doesn't mean I shouldn't get full points for the hard work I put into what I wrote. The fact that I know any of the processes that well deserves something. Is it really my fault that the 2 words are so similar? Also, who writes in full detail the wrong process & then laughs about it while showing it to others? I think that deserves major props, yo. 

Dear Student, 

You're weird. The instructor already said twice that we need to bring a pen to the "field trip" next week. You lose 1 point for clearly not listening. You lose 5 points for raising your hand & waving it like an antsy first grader trying to get his teacher's attention. You lose 10 points for your ever-so-annoying question of, "Should we bring a writing utensil?" Who says that anyway? Second, next time don't be so obvious when checking to see if a woman is married. It should not have taken you 10 full seconds to stare at my left hand & if you can't move your eyes without moving your entire head...don't do it at all.
P.S. get a haircut.

Dear Lady Waiting For My Gas Pump, 

The offending card

I did not take so long just to annoy you. For once I truly can say that. When I put my gift card into the reader, I did not know that it was a used card. I only knew this after the pump shut off right away & the screen said "gift card balance limit reached" & then I had to put the nozzle back, push buttons to get my receipt, go get my debit card, insert that, push 20 buttons (how is that easier than just running into the gas station to pay inside?), lift the nozzle, select the type of gas, put the nozzle back into my truck, pump it until it was full. And since I was empty, it took a while. I'm so sorry that I made you wait so long. The face you made when I glanced at you was not a pleasant one. You better be careful so your face doesn't freeze that way. Next time I use a gas gift card I will make sure that the balance is more than

61 cents.

Dear Lady at Build-A-Bear,  

Thank you for repairing my daughter's precious stuffed baby. She was very happy when I came home with it restored to its original youthful self. One thing I'd like to remind you of is that you chose to work at Build-A-Bear. Did you think it was a place for geriatrics to quietly sip tea while mumbling about the good old days? Or did you maybe confuse the Bear part with it being a veterinary clinic? Just curious, because I'm rather confused at your sighs & obvious signs of exasperation at the children asking you questions. I'm aware (since you let me know) that 15 very excited children in the store, all with parents mind you, does not make you happy. I'm aware (since you let me know) that you very much dislike them telling you the name of their new precious baby & showing you the clothing they have picked out. But, sweetie, you don't have the choice to not like kids when you apply & then accept a job as manager of a store built entirely for children. You know that child you rolled your eyes at & told her to go tell someone else? Her Mother saw you. Better luck at your next job.

Dear Lady In Mini-Van Holding Up A Line Of Cars At Target, 

Yes, I saw you stopped there while I loaded my bags into my truck. There was no need to flash your lights. Or turn your blinker on & off several times. Or inch closer every 5 seconds. You could see I had a cart full of bags. I could not just wave a wand & have them float from the cart to the back of my truck. It is not my job to hurry up so you can have my parking space. In fact, by continuing to annoy me I took even longer. 'Cause...well...I could. 

Dear Hubby,

I am so glad that you are all better & healthy now.
P.S. There is a reason they have the term Man Cold & you never hear anyone say Woman Cold. 

Dear Hubby, Amazing Grace, Boy Teenager, Blondie, Big D, Ginger Girl, Little Blondie,

Tonight I am going to show my love for all of you, my Valentines, with gifts you'll love, a delicious dinner you'll love, lots of banana cupcakes with pecan frosting that you'll love. There will be lots of lovin' tonight. I am one very blessed woman to be able to have 7 awesome people to share this & every day with. Happy Valentine's Day!