I am not, nor have I ever been, a piece of popcorn. I know this. Yet I felt like one on my 45 minute drive home tonight. Next time you decide that the fuse for the shocks is not something you enjoy employing, let me know first. Please? Thank you. If you would have done that this time I wouldn't be able to tell you that there are exactly 653 pebbles on the highway (that felt like boulders, by the way) & exactly how many bounces occur after going over a patch of bumpy, clumpy snow (5). Or the fact that a 20 oz. bottle of Dr. Pepper is not an appropriate eye wash & it does indeed burn when inhaled. Wanna know how I can tell you that? I misjudged the distance to the next bump in the road. Oh, & Wisconsin shall now be renamed the State of Roads in Ill Repair. Also...it was not funny when I tried to change the radio station & ended up smacking my hand into the mirror. I did not like that. But I had the last laugh, didn't I? Yeah, that's right, when I cranked the radio & pretended that my bouncing around was me jammin' out, I showed you. I think the head bob & fist pump was a nice addition. The people in the cars next to me seemed entertained.
You know that test today? The one I had to drive almost an hour to take because I couldn't take it at the campus nearest to me? Yeah. Not nice. Next time make sure to put more questions on there that relate to things I actually retained from the 12 hours of lectures. I appreciate it.
Dear Student,Either you read my letter to you last week, you can read minds, or it's an incredibly awesome coincidence...but yay for you...you got a haircut. Way to go! Did your Mom keep the hair clippings? You can ask her tonight when she tucks you in. You didn't need to go to such extremes though; a simple High & Tight would have sufficed. The bald spots where the clippers slipped in your Dad's hand (was he maybe cutting it while in my truck?) combined with the 3 different lengths that aren't blended in at all...next time spring for the $10.00 cut at Cost Cutters. Trust me, you'll thank me. You're not 5 & it's not summer. A buzz cut in February in Wisconsin is just...wrong. On an adult it's more than just wrong. Like your very long, very square, very ski-like, odd shoes.
Dear Car Beside Me,
That was a round-about, not a passing lane. When you are in the left turning lane of the round-about & I am beside you in the going-straight lane of the round-about, it is not nice to butt your way into my lane. I have never seen someone pass a car while going 40 in a round-about. If my shocks had not been uh...shocking...at the moment, your Honda Civic would have been an ugly, but well-deserved, hood ornament that I would have proudly driven around with as warning to other vehicles. Hubby wouldn't have even had to ask about my day when I got home.
Dear Car Behind Me,Did you see me there? I mean, my big, bouncing truck could be invisible to some people, I don't know. I would think that at the very least you could see me banging my head into the roof of my truck. Am I wrong? I'm just checking because when I learned to drive I was taught that if you can see head lights or tail lights, your brights should not be on. Seeing as how you apparently want to get into my truck, with how close you are, I would think you could see me here. Here's a hint, sweetie: if you cannot, after all, see the tail lights but you are vaguely aware that there is someone in front of you...you're much too close. Back the frick up, moron. Your brights are in every single one of my mirrors, including the one that I banged my hand on.
Dear Boy Teenager,As much as it kills me to let you go so far away tomorrow on your Birthday, I'm willing to let you do it. I know how much it means to you to watch your teammate wrestling at State & nothing makes me happier than seeing you happy. I hope one day...when you're older...probably when you're a parent...you realize the sacrifice I made letting you go with that man. I have supported your sports 100% all these years & all the times that he told me you didn't need to be in sports, I refused to back down. I have always made sure that no matter how tight things were, you were able to join & I have cheered you on from day one. Having him now step in & be the one to tak you to State when I wanted to so badly...I know it means a lot to you to have him finally show interest in what you do...for you, I step aside, choke down the lump in my throat, & pretend that it's not physically painful for me me to not be the one to take you. This is being a parent; knowing that it's not about what I want, but what's best for you. I so desperately want to tell him that he can't take you, but I would never take this away from you. Please know that the only thing that is allowing you to go tomorrow is my deep, intense love for you & my desire to give you everything you deserve. Enjoy the trip, I can't wait to hear about it when you get back.
Tonight I asked my son what he wanted for his Birthday dinner tomorrow night. He said, with that adorable little crooked grin he gets when he's being smart, "Lobster." I told him, as a way out of it, that I don't know how to cook lobster. He reminded me that hubby does know how to cook it. I told him I didn't know where to buy it. He reminded me that hubby does know where to buy it. I told him to pick something where I don't have to go to the ocean to get it. He quickly replied with, "You don't have to go to the ocean. Just go to Festival Foods." I went to bat for ya, I really did, Lobsters. I tried. But that boy really loves his seafood. Did I mention he burns about 10,000 calories a day? Did I mention that he is also no longer on his very restrictive diet for wrestling? The amount of food it takes to feed a person that burns that many calories & is not on a diet...it's impressive, it truly is. As impressive as it is, Lobsters, all I can say is I'm sorry. Get your buddies & be prepared to jump into my 6 qt. jacuzzi, 'cause it's a Birthday & he's a hungry guy.