That's Me

That's Me

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

My Numb Butt...

I took Amazing Grace for another follow-up with the orthopedic dude to see how her shoulder & arm are healing after her surgery. She is close to 100% healed but has a few minor glitches in her ROM (I like that I, being a CNA, know what this is & most of you have to look it up) so she's one of the lucky few who require PT after this surgery. Still no fall sports, but she was already used to that idea, as much as she hated it.

After we went to Dr. Fix O'Daughter, we went shopping where I did some totally bad ass Extreme Couponing. Like, seriously. I got so many things free, $15.00 things for 99 cents, & even got paid to buy Amazing Grace's chocolate. I was so psyched.

I was so psyched, in fact, that I indulged in my Khloe Kardashian obsession & bought her perfume without even smelling it first. What was I supposed to do? There was no tester & I know my girl Khloe wouldn't put her name on something that stinks.

Thankfully it smells really good & hubby is glad I bought it. I'm lucky, considering that buying a perfume sight unsmelled could have ended very badly with one of us really unhappy to either be smelling like a foot or inhaling the aroma of a foot.

My day only managed to get worse when the hubs had to drive me to my pain doctor for a shot. A shot in my SI Joint. Don't know what that is? Here, let me show you...
Now just picture how they had to give me this shot. Yeeeaaahhh...fortunately the hubby was not allowed to stay in the room while they gave me said shot because he would have had a whole lot to say while I was in a very awkward position. 

When a doctor tells you to shimmy your jeans down "just a bit" do you assume he means that he wants a shot of the full moon? I don't. 

But apparently that's what my doctor is implying when he says that because the 2 or 3 inches of my back side that I gave him was not enough. No, not for Dr. StickANeedle. 

With my pants below my waist, but not entirely off, he has me lay on my stomach. Try this. Just try to gracefully lay on your stomach with your jeans a few inches below your hips. Tell me that you don't fall face first, directly onto the overly stuffed pillow in front of you. Then try to ask for help, much less breath, while your face in this overly stuffed pillow.

Now try to bring your legs up to the table while your face is in said pillow & your arms are pinned beneath you. With a doctor & a nurse in the room, they couldn't see that I couldn't manage this on my own considering that the reason I was getting this shot in the first place is because of the pain that prevents me from lifting my left leg. Hmm...did I hear Dr. LooksTooYoungToBeMyDoctor giggle over there? 

So I got into the position they wanted me in only to be told the nurse had to scoot my pants down "just a bit" further because the zipper was in the x-ray. Great, no big deal, do whatever you want while I'm on my stomach. 

It would have been nice, though, to be told she was going to be exposing my entire bum for all the world (okay, the 2 people in the room, but whatever) to see. 

So I'm laying there thinking, "Oh, dear Lord, please let this be worth it. Please, please, please," when Dr. Pain says, "Ready?"

Only it was more like this:

Dr.: Rea

Me: Holy Mother of

Dr.: dy?

Me: Crap! What the hell??

Dr.: That's just the medicine, it's a bit uncomfortable.

Seriously? First off, what happened to counting to 3, or at least finishing the word so I'm actually, you know, ready? Second, uncomfortable? I have a pain tolerance higher than anyone I know. I can keep a straight face & hold a conversation with unbearable pain. I gave birth to 3 of my children at home, that's sans drugs, people. And 2 of those babies were backwards & well over 9 pounds. I know what pain is. I also know what uncomfortable is.

Dr. LiarPants can take his "just a bit" & his "uncomfortable" & kiss my fully exposed bum. We apparently measure things on completely different scales. I will remember this.

Fortunately for both of us...because I tend to bite when I'm not happy & Dr. BoogerHead was the one closest to me...that pain didn't last long & I was actually surprised when he said we were done.

My butt was sufficiently numb for about 2 hours. When I got out of the car, it was the most awesome feeling of my pants falling down. But they weren't. That was pretty funny.

My numb butt wasn't funny for long because it didn't stay pain-free long enough.

Now that the local anesthetic wore off long ago & it takes a few days for the cortisone to kick in, only time will tell if today was worth it. Until then, anyone with any bad news should probably stay far away from me 'cause, again, I bite.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Come on, spill what you're thinkin'...