I Love Experiments

Before Amazing Grace's accident, she shared with me a theory of hers. It's very interesting. First a little background...

I've always wanted a J. Lo booty. Not an overly large butt, just a nicely rounded, slightly out there, one. Several times someone would surprise visit me at home to find me sprinting up my stairs. "Eddi, what are you doing??" "Trying to make my butt bigger." Duh.

When I had Amazing Grace she was such a beautiful little baby with these perfect little features. Her little rosebud mouth, her tiny little feet, and her big blue eyes that followed my every move. She inherited a genetic condition that may one day require surgery but as a baby, and still today, her crooked little pinkies are a little reminder of the Grampa that I loved to pieces. As any Mother thinks of their baby, and as I've thought of all of my babies, she was simply perfect.

As a toddler it became very obvious that this child was growing something that wasn't there as a baby: a big butt. Her Dad has absolutely no butt. I have a small butt. Both our parents are butt-less. Where her big booty came from, we have no idea.

I didn't want her to be self-conscious of this big butt & I had an idea. This child was new to the world with no preconceived notions about looks. I wanted to see if I talked about it a lot & made her aware of her big butt status, would that prevent her from crying to me one day about her jeans not fitting right or because someone called her Big Butt? Being a new Mom & well...being me...I decided the best way to find out was to experiment on my child. Why not? If it screwed her up, I could just have more kids, right? (Kidding! Totally kidding, no one call the authorities on me here.) And everyone says the first child is your experiment child, so I was just living up to that.

Her entire life I made comments about her "big booty" & how she needs a "zip code for that thing" & giving her enough space for 3 people when she goes to sit next to me on the couch. You know, normal things to do to a person with a large butt.

Her answer to me is always, "You're just jealous. You wish you had this booty."

A couple years ago I realized the results of my experiment. The child is obsessed with her butt. Obsessed. Not as in, "Oh, I hate my butt!!" but more like, "Did you see how my butt looks in these jeans? It's huge!! I love these jeans."

Not only is she not self-conscious of her butt in a negative way, but she's gone the complete opposite direction. I dare say she's a wee bit conceited about that thing. To the point where she will cry & become angry if I buy her jeans that give her butt a smaller or flat appearance.

Amazing Grace told my Mother the other day, while trying on a pair of jeans, "I hate these jeans! I have Grandma butt!" My Mom has the flattest butt I have ever seen.

So one day Amazing Grace's friend was telling me how Amazing Grace had just suddenly asked someone at school, "Doesn't my butt look awesome in these jeans??" while they were studying, and I said, "I have no idea where that butt came from."

Amazing Grace had a theory on how she got her big booty. It's quite interesting.

"Well, see, Mom, you had sex with a huge butted black woman. Her eggs mixed with your eggs. Then her black eggs, Dad's sperm, and your pale skin Irish eggs combined to make me. Yours & Dad's little butt genes evened out her huge butt genes & I got this butt. Their skin colors also evened out your see-through skin so I got darker skin than you. See? Simple."

That thing beeps when she backs up.

I'm not sure about her little sex ed talk she gave me, but at least I know that experimenting on babies works.