That's Me

That's Me

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Pity Me, I'm Hungry

My entire family took off in my baby, my truck, with Amazing Grace at the wheel. It's funny to watch her driving that big SUV--she has to put the seat alllll the way forward & make sure she puts it alllll the way back so I can get in it--she's so tiny & there's so much power at her fingertips.

With a 15 year old girl driving, where else would they be headed? They went to the mall an hour away. The 9 year old wanted to spend her Build-A-Bear gift cards & it just happened that today was Buy 1 Get 1 Free, so why not. A little shoe shopping, a little stuffed animal shopping, a little Victoria's Secret shopping...with just enough sports clothing shopping thrown in to keep the boys from passing out from the overload of girliness.

When I called hubby to see how Amazing Grace handled driving in heavier traffic & on highways she's not used to, he answered with, "Great! She's doing really well &...WHOA!" Is that really what a Mama wants to hear?

I said, "You know that's my entire family in my truck. I want it all returned back safely." Hubby said, "You're just worried about the truck, not the entire family part." I think I took too long to say no because he just laughed at me. Darn you, little pause in conversation, you got me in trouble again.

Why didn't I go along, you ask? Not 'cause I'm scared of my daughter's driving. She's actually a really good driver now. It's because I'm sitting here starving. Literally. 

The neighbors across the street can hear my stomach. It's actually past the growling stage to a deep, distinctive voice not unlike Barry White. In fact, it may just be Barry White because it keeps saying, in that low voice, "My Eddi, I haven't gotten enough of your food, babe. Girl, I don't know why, I don't know why. Didn't give me enough of your food, babe. Oh, some things I can't get used to, no matter how I try. The more food you give, the more I want. And, Eddi, that's no lie. Oh, no food." If you have no idea who Barry White is or what song I stole this from, you're a sad, sad soul...and here's a link for you to educate yourself: For the sad souls.

I'm not starving by choice. My evil doctor is horrendously evil. I have a colonoscopy tomorrow. That evil, evil doctor.

By the way, that's my stomach over there-->

This is my second one, so I know what to expect. The scope itself isn't rough. You sleep through it, wake up dopey & sleepy, go home, lay around the rest of the day. No pain, easy. Even the biopsies they took during the colonoscopy last time didn't hurt.

The colon cleanse prep thingy isn't too bad either. I've done it so many times for the various scopes & surgeries I've had that when counting how many times I've been through this colon prep, I run out of fingers to count on. Seriously. I know exactly what to expect. The one for the colonoscopy is 100 times easier than the one they made me do before my hysterectomy. The memory of that gives me shivers. I really have no complaints with this 'cause it's really not painful, just pressure feeling & the more annoying than anything.

What I hate is that I can't eat for 2 days! TWO DAYS!! I haven't eaten since yesterday. I'm starving. I'm so hungry that I'm jealous of the cats' full food bowl & their ability to eat randomly throughout the day. Do you know what it's like to admit you're jealous of a cat? And mean it?

The hubs took the kids to the mall so I could have quiet while I go through the process & they can eat away from me. He said it's because it wouldn't be fair for me to smell & see food right now, but I think he's actually protecting the children & himself from the ravenous psycho I could turn into if given the chance.

I think he's very scared of sitting down to eat a yummy dinner & out of the corner of his eye see me run & take a flying leap at him, knocking over everything in my way to get at the food, biting at whatever gets near my mouth: food, child, husband, cat, dog...leaving a terrible wake of overturned furniture, broken plates, a pile of crying children holding their owies, shredded clothing hanging off of hubby, and howling animals cowering in the corner.

I am not responsible for my actions when hungry.


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