That's Me

That's Me

Monday, December 26, 2011

I Weigh the Benefits Before I Do Anything

I had a horrible thought. If I divorce hubby, I'll get no monetary reward for it.

I put 12 years into my first marriage. And a whole butt load of kids. I earned that child support I get every week, darn it! It's the state's way of saying, "Way to go, Eddi Girl, you're awesome sauce." I know it's called child support because it's to support the children. But really, if you knew what I put up with from that man during those 12 years & since, you would pay me too. And because the state of Wisconsin* can't pay me for sexual favors being Eddi, they have to mark it child support.

Since this one & I didn't produce a child that combines our genes & blood, I'm out of luck.

The hubs was getting all cozy under the fuzzy purple blanket my parents gave me us for Christmas & envisioning hot girly elves or a pan of lasagna, or whatever men see when they close their eyes, when...

Me: "So if we got divorced I wouldn't get any child support. That sucks."

Hubby: "Nope. I guess we have to stay married."

Me: "I just realized that there would be no monthly payment for leaving you."

Hubby: "Why are you thinking this?"

Me: "It's true. Think about it. You're worth more to me married than not."

Hubby: "Yeah. You're stuck."

Me: "At least while we're married I get to spend your money. If we divorced I wouldn't get to do that anymore."

Hubby: "There's always life insurance."

Me: "I don't want you to die while we're married. Wait till we're divorced."

Hubby: "Yeah, 'cause I'll leave you as the beneficiary..."

Me: "You will. You have a bad memory. You'll forget to change it."

Hubby: "Sure."

Me: "Just don't die too soon after the divorce. I don't want to be a suspect."

Hubby: "Okay, I'll wait a couple hours."

Me: "I don't think I'm good for prison."

Hubby: "No, you're too pretty for prison. Pretty ones don't last long."

Me: "I'm not lesbian enough."

Hubby: "Prison's full of Rosie O'Donnell types."

Me: "She's not my type. Please don't die of unusual causes & make me a suspect."

Hubby: "Okay."

And then I allowed him to fall asleep. Sweet dreams, babe.

*Unlike other states?

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