Curiosity Killed the Cat's Taste Buds

This is my cat Watson. He is a pig. Not really a pig. He's a cat. Who eats a lot. And frequently. This makes him a pig. The top picture I took the day I got him when he was 10 months old, 2 months ago. The second picture I took last week when he was laying in one of his favorite napping spots: across 2 baskets of clean laundry. He's a big boy.

When Watson smells food, he purrs. His eyes turn into slits & he looks at you like he's seeing angels. If I could have given birth to a feline, it would have been Watson. We do the same exact thing when we smell food.

Then he sits & howls until he gets some. Again, he takes after me. The first time he did it I thought it was cute so I gave him some food. Yeah, I know better...I was hopped up on pain killers from surgery so I did stupid stuff. That's my excuse. Of course, now he expects to be fed every time he smells whatever I'm eating & of course I give in 'cause I don't want him to kill me in my sleep. He doesn't just want any food though, he wants my food.

So tonight I'm eating dinner...wholesome Taco Bell picked up on my way home from school because my family is also all pigs & ate all of the dinner I'd put in the oven before I left for school. They didn't even save me any! But whatever...

I'm eating my Taco Bell. On my bed because it was a long day & I just didn't have the energy to sit in a chair. I needed to lounge, people.

I like spicy. Really spicy. So I poured on like, 7 packets of Fire Sauce & started eating. You could hear Watson galloping through the house towards the scent of food. Then you could hear his purr before he even pounced on me. He knew there was food & he was gonna get some even if he had to kill me in my sleep to get it. I held out my dinner to lovingly share with my spoiled fat ass cat...

Watson took one lick while laying next to me. While still laying down, he was launched off my bed & into the wall across the room. It was as if something picked this cat up & threw him across the room. He didn't even have time to move a muscle, it happened so fast. He slid down the wall into the heat register where there was a clanging sound, landed on the floor & shot out of the room. He didn't run; an imaginary cannon SHOT him into the hall.

I repeat: the cat never moved from his laying position while being spontaneously thrown 5 feet away from his original spot. He was still laying with his front paws in front of him & his back paws under him when he landed on the floor next to the register. Then was shot with his legs tucked under him into the hall, with a look of "WTF" on his face.

Cats don't like hot sauce. But their owners like the "WTF" face they make when they eat it.

This was me: Silent shock for 3 seconds. Body shaking laughter with tears running down my face for 3 minutes. This was the hubby man: "What did you do to him? What did you do to that poor cat? What was that sound?" Me: that weird silent laugh you make when it's too funny to even make sound. My head was bobbing, my mouth was opening to make sounds, tears were running out of my closed eyes. I'm not positive but I'm pretty sure I looked like the doll my daughter left in the rain, mud, and sun all summer when she was 5. Its eyes no longer opened, the head wobbled from side to side like it was perched on a pointy rock, the mouth was stuck open instead of opening & closing, and all that came out of that mouth was "aaa...a...aaaaaaa" instead of "mama".

After a while what hubby was able to make out was, "Wats...hot...burri...wall...suicide..."

Hubby said, "There's a reason it's called FIRE sauce. It's the opposite of MILD. What did you think would happen?" Me, all composed, "That's why I gave it to him. To see what would happen." Uh, duh.

Apparently one of us in this house is nice to the cat because the hubs gave Watson cat food. The cat came flying from the living room & ate his body weight in dry food (which is about 23 lbs., fatty). Hubby said there was smoke coming out of his ears while he was eating it, but I don't believe it. He also said I should feel bad for making the cat wipe his tongue on the carpet, but I think the hubs is just upset that he wasn't able to witness the cannon shooting of the cat.

P.S. The cat is fine. He wasn't hurt during the launching & I'm really not sadistic. I wouldn't have shared this laughed so hard at all if he'd gotten hurt.

P.P.S. If you have any doubt about my ability to care for my cats, just know that my cats are more spoiled than the crazy old cat lady's cats. They rule my house because one day they will rule the world...cats are awesome...and able to kill you in your sleep if you don't give them what they want.