Thank You, But I'm Not Pregnant

Someone put me on a mailing list for baby items. I don't know who & I don't know why, but I'm getting all sorts of magazines, coupons, and free stuff for new Moms. When I opened a box to find 2 full size cans of baby formula, I asked my almost-15 year old if she had something to tell me. (Relax, I was kidding. Not about asking her. About thinking she was...oh never mind.)

Hubby came home, saw the cans & asked if I had something to tell him. He was hoping I did because then we could get in the books for a medical miracle. Maybe we could make money off of it. That would be cool. I'd be able to go on vacation for a few weeks by myself with the whole family.

I'm not sure who signed me up for these things because everything just says, "Congratulations! From A Friend." I don't think it was a friend. At times I'm not happy about being forced into menopause against my will & I wonder if I really pissed someone off to make them pull such a cruel joke.

Whether or not I have more children should be my choice. That choice was taken from me. I have a freaky thing where I like to be in control of big decisions in my life & it sucks to not have control over one area. And menopause sucks. Really bad. To whomever did this, well, there's always karma.

The funny part of it is that I do live in the teeniest tiniest town. They already believe me that I've become a nudist due to my 6' privacy fence. Now I'm sure the mailman & neighbors are placing bets on the due date. It's going to be the longest pregnancy ever. They'll be talking about where I'm hiding the baby for years to come.

Next summer, when the windows are open, I should play a tape of babies crying. Of triplets. Just to add to the rumor. Just every couple of hours. It would be a great excuse to go to the store in pajamas or answer the door with messy hair. If the neighbors think I have triplets, they'll forgive my appearance. They'll even compliment me on my figure. 'Cause that's what people do after you've had a baby. I can only imagine the compliments if they believe I've had triplets. I see a great opportunity to take a break from exercising.

I could get all sorts of gifts from people & return them for something I really want. Or sell them on eBay. I hear a new income opportunity knocking.

On second thought, thank you "friend" for signing me up. It's just another excuse to mess with people & we all know that's my favorite hobby.