Forgiveness

I just got off the phone with my ex-husband for the third time today. A couple years ago we could have never been joking like we do now. It reminded me of how far I've come. (Not that we randomly call each other several times a day--that would just be weird. I had to take a sick child to the Dr. and we were discussing it since he'll have them this weekend.)
When I forgave my ex-husband for hurting me so deeply, I suddenly felt a freedom from chains I didn't know were wrapped around me. I was carrying around anger that was affecting me in all areas of my life. It was holding me back from achieving goals I'd set, from being the Mom I wanted to be, and from seeing people for who they truly were. I got sucked into dating bad guys, I was short tempered, and I was working low paying jobs because I thought that's all I was worth.
Now I can hold a conversation with my ex-husband without calling him names (I may think it, but at least I don't say it out loud anymore) or swearing at him (even though that always felt good), and he's also civil with me (even more so than when we were married at times). We've gone to the kids' Dr. appointments together, and we even had dinner together with our spouses in June. We're not friends. But we are friendly. It doesn't mean I forgot what he did to me or that I'm allowing him into my life to walk all over me again. It means that my children mean so much to me that I want them to not feel stress when we're all in the same room. I want the kids to know it's okay to love their Dad and to talk about their time with him.
Yeah, he hurt me in a way that I honestly don't even wish on my worst enemy. It was pain that I didn't know was possible. It took a lot of love of support from friends and family, and work on my part to get through that pain. I have scars and once in a while something happens to remind me they're there, but they don't hurt all the time anymore.
My kids don't understand how difficult it was to get to this point, and how God has helped me overcome a lot of emotions to be where I am. But they know their life is easier than it was in the beginning. Divorce is extremely difficult on kids. If I can use the power of forgiveness to make it one tiny bit easier for my kids, I'm happy to do it.
I learned a lot about myself through the forgiving process. And it was after I completely forgave him that I met the man I was meant to be with. All my questions of "why" have been answered. I know why I went through all that. It had many lessons tied to it and an amazing gift at the end.
There are so many people hurting. I hope that they can learn to forgive and feel the freedom earned from it. For a long time I thought if I said I forgave, it meant I was saying "what you did is okay." What I finally realized was that it actually means "I'm worth more than carrying this around any longer."