Experimenting With Children

You wanna see the most awesome full-of-many-emotions face ever? Tell your 13 year man child that you're going to the gym to become a MILF. The reaction isn't even the typical eye roll that teenagers are so great at. Picture big eyes taking up most of his face, one eyebrow raised to his hairline, the other eyebrow in a Z shape, and his mouth in a straight line. He didn't blink for a full 3 minutes (I timed him). There was a definite war of emotions going on: shock that I'm not too old to know what a MILF is versus grossed out at that term being applied to his Mother.
There is one sure way to make teenagers disappear. Just imply something sexual. You don't even have to say anything in particular, because teenagers think everything is sexual. I can say, "Did we want sausage on the pizza?" and I've got adolescents running away yelling, "Mooooommmmm!"
I have a tradition with my man child. Every year on his Birthday I remind him of where he came from, even using the "V" word. He throws himself on the floor covering his ears, yells, and even kicks his feet. He closes his eyes tightly and claws at his own face.
I like to randomly throw out these winners: "You were breastfed" & "You loved boobie milk." He'll walk past me in the kitchen and I'll say it. We'll be in the car, I'll say it. He never knows when it's coming. The gagging and twisted facial expressions that I earn for that statement more than make up for the 36 hours of back labor that child inflicted on me. Talking about his sister's periods in front of him is his punishment for having a ginormous head & shoulders the size of a grown man's when he was born.
There's the saying to be nice to your kids because they pick your nursing home. By having a whole tribe of rugrats, I've increased my chance of getting a good home. I figure if I'm nice to 1 child, they'll stand up for me when the others want to pick the facility that ties naked old people to their beds. I haven't decided which 1 I'll be nice to yet, but one day I'll pick the one that will be my pet. It'll be my own little real life experiment.
Another reason to have kids--you can't mess with other people's kids' heads. Well, you can, but you don't get to see the long term result like with your own children. And then the parents are mad at you for messing up their kid. It's not worth losing friends over.
One of the reasons I have so many children is because there's always a replacement if I screw one up. Each extra child increases my odds of having one turn out. At this point I'm never sure which one that will be. Just when I think I've got a winner, they do something that makes me have them practice saying, "Welcome to Hooters, let me show you your table."