That's Me

That's Me

Friday, December 13, 2013

Alien AND Cat Proof

Watson is an ass.

Not only is he a pain in my ass, but he is a downright ass.

I have a doorway that is special to me. Okay, I never thought I'd say that sentence & I'm sure it doesn't make sense right now, but you'll get it in a second. Hopefully.

This particular piece of wood  has been disassembled from previous homes & reassembled into new homes. That doesn't make sense until I tell you that this is where I measure my children's heights. I plan to measure my grandchildren on that doorway too.

It's a precious piece of wood. It's a piece of history. A piece of history that I can look at & say, "Oh my goodness, remember when Boy Teenager was shorter than Blondie?" & "I remember that date. The day I took that measurement, we had been..."

Its value is immeasurable.

So when I was sitting in the bathroom & heard sawing sounds coming from the direction of that doorway, I opened the door to see Watson sharpening his claws with a fierce determination, I went ballistic. 

Unable to get up off the throne, I threw a roll of toilet paper at Watson. He paused with his evil paws still on the wood, looked at me with a "is that all you got" look, & while still looking at me, continued sharpening.

As soon as I got up, he ran off.

I got a scratching post. I put it right in front of that doorway so that the ass would think, "Ah, I could use a good scratch right this second. la dee da I'm walking over to that beloved wall to drive that crazy woman even crazier. la dee da Yup, that's what I'm going to...wait...what is this? It's that carpet-covered piece of cheap wood that the crazy woman held me up to & moved my arms up & down against while telling me I'm a good boy. I'm going to use this as a scratching post instead of her beloved wall! I'm the awesomest cat ever!"

He never got that memo.

Yesterday morning I heard the loudest claw sharpening sound I've ever heard. I thought there were people in my kitchen sawing my house apart. I freaked out. Trust me, if you were sound asleep & heard people sawing your house apart, you would freak out too.

I got up & purposely did not put a bra on. Not because I was in a hurry, but if there were random people sawing my house apart, I wanted to scare them & ain't nothin' scarier than a mama without a bra.

It wasn't random people sawing anything. It was Naughty Cat sharpening his evil claws.

He ran away as soon as he saw me. Even cats are scared of Mamas Without Bras.

I promise you, the doorway did not look
like this until Watson redecorated for me.

Then I had a genius idea. After letting the genius idea roll around all by itself inside my head for a few seconds, I decided that it really is not a good idea to tape Watson's paws together so that he can't shred anything else in this house.

I got a second genius idea. This one I acted on.

It's butt ugly but it works.

Aluminum foil taped to the wall. It's a great conversation piece:

Person in my house, talking to me: "Uh, Eddi, I think one of the kids taped foil to the wall...?" [confused voice]

Me: "That's not from the kids. I did it." 

Other person: [trying to be polite] " you always put food wrap on your walls?"

Eddi: [laughing] "Of course not. Just when the aliens are in the area."

Person who is reconsidering our friendship: "Aliens? Like illegal aliens?"

Eddi: [not laughing, just staring] "No. The aliens. This is the only way to block them from reading the minds of everyone in the house."

Former friend: [backing out of house slowly] "That's...great, Eddi...I...uh...I...gotta go."

Eddi: [laughing maniacally]  

I can't wait for that conversation to happen. 

In the meantime, I'm happy to report that the foil has actually worked. After 1 scratch,  the ass   that pain in my ass  Watson decided he didn't like the feel or the sound of it, I'm not sure which because I didn't ask him because I didn't care to know, & hasn't scratched it since. I'm pretty proud of my geniusness. 

Now I have to figure out how to make him stop scratching on my new, expensive, wonderful, Heaven-like mattress. I'm sure I won't like the sound of a crinkling foil mattress cover. But on the plus side, my dreams won't be able to be seen by aliens, so maybe it's worth it.

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