Yesterday I Almost Died...Twice

I've been wanting a new purse. That's all, just a bug up my butt to get a new purse. Add to that that yesterday I felt the need to get away from my children. No reason, I was just annoyed. So when you put those things together, I ended up shopping. 

I decided to just stroll the handy dandy Goodwill store to look at the books. I find the most awesome books there sometimes. Like this one:

I giggled for a little while wondering why she wrote a whole book on this topic, and why a financial expert would even want to discuss this topic...until I realized it didn't say "Socks and Blondes." 

Then I looked around to see if anyone saw me standing in an aisle holding a book & giggling to myself. Then I put the book back 'cause the real title doesn't sound nearly as interesting as the one I thought it was. Bummer.

Then I found this book...

Oh, look, that's my foot.

I figured if anything will prove I am not in fact a vampire, it would be The Complete Vampire Companion. To all my friends: I am truly just see-through. My face/name/stats/social security number were found nowhere in this book. I looked. And it's the complete vampire book. So, yes, Virginia, I'm just an Irish girl that the sun cannot penetrate.

Then I stroll over to the purses for no reason other than I wanted to kill time 'cause the aforementioned children were waiting for me at home. And that was where I yelled, "Score!" Truly, I scored. Not that kind of score...not in a Goodwill...ew. I found myself a Gucci purse for $7.99 & a Michael Kors for $3.99. Dude, they were the exact ones I was eyeing up online, but seriously did not want to pay $850 for the Gucci one or $795 for the Kors. I love living in a small town that doesn't know the true value of these things. By hiding from my children, I saved myself hundreds of dollars. Go me!

So I ran out of the store clutching my new purses to my chest before the purse police could catch up to me & demand I pay a fair price for them, and jumped in my truck as fast as I could. Then I giggled. Again. 'Cause I had some awesome finds in my hands. Not only did I get them cheap but they look brand-new AND they don't smell like Grandma's attic! 

I rolled down my window because it was like, 120 degrees at least it was, to my hot flashing menopausal body and as I was driving a big bird was flying through the parking lot. I had a vision of it swooshing right through my window & landing on my head & pecking one piece of hair out of my head at a time & I would be fighting this nightmare off my head & not paying attention to where I was driving & I would drive into another car & die. And that would ruin my good day 'cause I would die next to my new purses. And I would die bald. 

I rolled up my window. 

I came home & let the 15 1/2 year old with the brand-new temps drive my beloved truck. Oh, dear Lord, I have my first driver. That ride was 4 hours 15 minutes of torture. 

It was the second time in the same day that I came so close to death. And both times I was close to my new purses. I don't know which would be worse, to die at the wings & feet of an evil bird inside my truck or to die at the hands of my baby girl on the wheel of my other baby. 

I wanted Amazing Grace to practice in my truck because frankly, if you can learn to park an SUV, you can park anything. I've driven pick-ups, vans, mini vans, little trucks, big trucks, tiny cars, regular cars, big cars...I know what I speak of. 

Source

I wish this had been us... 

...instead of this.

Happy is not the word to describe the look on Amazing Grace's face...scared is not strong enough of a word to describe the look on my face.  

I had to remind her that while turning a truck she needs to be going at a much slower pace than the car she's been practicing driving...because I wasn't in the mood to flip over on the corner of our block...and that a truck needs to turn tighter than a car because of its size...and because the cars in the other lane appreciate it when you stay out of said lane...The granny in the car behind us at a stop sign did her own job of showing us how much she appreciated waiting while Daughter waited for the vehicles that were 600 feet down the road. But eh, granny can get over it. I had no problem with Daughter's extra cautious attitude. 

Hubby did ask me after we got home if I'd gotten his text since I didn't answer him. I said, "It's hard to read a text when you're covering your eyes."

As we got out of the vehicle after safely arriving home (and using a unique maneuver where you drive over 6" of curb & grass as the means to getting to the driveway), we both got out of the truck & at the same time said, "I am never driving with you again."

I don't know why she would say that to me. It's not like I ever said, "Slowdownslowdownslowdown, dear Lord, SLOW DOWN MORE before you turn!" or anything else in that manner. Or maybe I did. I was having an out of body experience at the time.