That's Me

That's Me

Monday, January 23, 2012

Scary Movies

It's Monday & by 10:30 this morning I had already managed to drop my laptop onto the floor, get 4 answers wrong out 54 wrong on my practice test, and empty all that was left in a bottle of Dayquil. Since I'm now pretending that I don't have a massive test in an hour & that I have all the time in the world, I'm letting my mind wander.

Scary movies. They all have the same attack zones. And I think these attack zone are ridiculous. Someone needs to consult me on where a monster should attack 'cause I have a great idea.

We've all seen the closet attack zone. The bad guy hides in the girls' closet & jumps out when she's least expecting it. Have you ever seen a teenage girl's closet? My Girl Teenager's closet is so full of stuff (nicely hung & color coded, 'cause she got that from her mama) that if you attempted to stand in it, your ass would end up with a bra hanging off of it or a pair of jeans landing on your head. Assuming you got into the closet & got the door shut, you'd never make it out alive. The 57 pairs of shoes lining the floor (by type & color, of course) would trip you & you'd end up with a concussion after hitting the wall.

And it's always a girl's closet 'cause you'd never even attempt a boy's closet. Have you ever smelled a boy's closet? You'd never make it out alive from the aromas. My boys don't even have a closet because what's the point? They don't need a separate space just to throw things on the floor.

There's the kitchen attack zone. The monster watches outside while you make Jiffy Pop on the stove. Come on! Who makes Jiffy Pop anymore? And there's a simple solution...close your damn curtains!

Then there's the shower attack zone. The unsuspecting victim is taking a shower when the monster throws back the shower curtain. Really? Have you ever gotten shampoo in your eye? Squirt some of that toxic stuff in his eyes & you can run away while he stands there bent over rubbing his eyes. You'll have at least half an hour to get away.

I have a much better idea for scary movie attack zones.

Have you ever accidentally (either for real accidentally or "accidentally"--or is that just my house?) opened the door on someone using the toilet? 'Cause dang, the look on a person's face when the door is flung open & they're quietly sitting there doing their business...ah, I get tears just thinking about it...

If you want to scare someone, wait till they're on the toilet. They will not only lose their thinking ability causing them to forget to defend themselves, but what would they defend themselves with? There's only one option that comes to my mind & I wouldn't want that flung at me but if their aim is off, they're just left with dirty hands.

Okay, directors, feel free to take my idea. You can mail me my cut of the movie proceeds.

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