My Cat Tried To Kill Me

This is what I wake up to every morning: Watson biting whatever part of my body he lands on. Sometimes a foot, sometimes a hand, sometimes a cheek. It's his way of saying, "You ignored me for a whole 4 hours while you slept, you evil woman." "Now I must kill you in your sleep."


I wake up, he crawls all over me while I pet him. If I dare stop, he bites my fingernails. Just the fingernails. If I dare touch anything else like a textbook or laptop, he lays on it. His nickname is Fatty Fatty 2x4, so that gives you an idea of how I cannot possible work around him.

He crawls under my blanket, out of my blanket, all over me, purring the entire time. Until he decides he's been loved on enough & is so worn out he must nap.

This morning, after giving him his loving because I neglected him in order to sleep, this is what happened.

I went to the bathroom. That was my first mistake. I put my needs before his. I'm evil that way.

As I'm, ahem, sitting down in the bathroom, Naughty Kitten decides to punish me for leaving him in his time of need. He jumped all over me & I pushed him down. I have gotten used to children coming to me with such major issues as, "I can't get the cereal box open!" when I'm indisposed in the bathroom. I didn't think I'd have to get used to a cat demanding attention at sensitive times. Silly me.

Watson did not like being pushed down. He bit my right butt cheek. I screamed. He liked that response. Since I was unable to move from my delicate position, he walked around & bit my left butt cheek. I screamed. He laughed.

Then he reached up (he's tall), grabbed my hoodie string in his mouth, and ran. The little devil was choking me! He didn't even wait to kill me in my sleep! He was doing it while I was awake.

Thankfully I was able to pull the string away from him before I turned blue. But not before this headline ran through my head:

"Wisconsin woman found dead in bathroom half dressed, bite marks on hinder, strangled with own sweatshirt."

How in the world would hubby explain that one? Oh, I know what the rest of that story would be:

"Husband found in Mexico giggling, life insurance policy in hand."

Watson & the hubs are in cahoots. I just know it.