This Wasn't In My Vows

Just to be clear, on our wedding day I did not vow to not smother my husband in his sleep. The fact that I don't is a true testament to my love for the hubby man.

At times the hubs is very annoying. Most of it (but not all) is at night when I can't even give him the you'll-pay-for-annoying-me look. 'Cause he's sleeping. You would think with how annoying he can be during the day that he would have exhausted all his powers and need to refuel at night. That's what sleeping is for. No, not for this guy. Nuh-uh. No way.

Here's a peek into sleeping with my adorable hubby. First things first, he's a military man. According to him, in the Marines you're given x amount of time to sleep and you better take full advantage of it. Apparently he thinks he lives in a war zone (we do have 6 children, so that might be an accurate description) and has to go to battle every. single. morning. because he has a very short window of time between his head laying on poly fiber filling and his eyes closing for 7 hours.

In that short window I have to get out everything I want to tell him that I couldn't say in front of the minions. All 6,972 words have to be said in 2.5 minutes. I have learned to talk like an auctioneer. Get it all out as if it's one long-ass word while his eyes are slowly closing.

Now comes the ever-enjoyable part. His eyes close. His mouth opens. It's simultaneous. I know I have 10 seconds from eyes closing to snoring beginning. Now, the snoring is actually comical because it's not normal. Sometimes I try to guess what animal call he's making.

My favorite part (shoot, you can't hear sarcasm in writing) is the flopping & the fanning. He doesn't roll over like normal people (there's a definite theme here, he's not normal). He flops. And takes the blanket with him. And fans the blanket like he's not sure where it came from. So picture this: I'm watching tv. He's laying next to me, sounding like a sick otter, when suddenly he grasps the blanket with both hands. He then throws it over his head, down to his chest, back over his head, down to his chest, over and over. Until I poke him in the rib gently tap him on the arm.

A few minutes later he'll flop. I must italicize that word to show how much this drives me insane. He grabs the blanket, lifts his body and rotates to the opposite side, and falls back into place next to me. Pillows fall off the bed, I am lifted 13" into the air, and he takes the blanket with him. If I tug on the blanket, he does it again only in the other direction. Which drops more pillows & launches me another 13" into the air. For this reason we have separate blankets.

That man is so lucky he's cute. 'Cause after I land back on the bed after being suddenly thrown into the air by the gorilla calling, blanket pulling, pillow tossing, bed bouncing man I vowed to share my life with, I look over at him with every intent to put the pillows over his face back on the bed. And I just have to sigh and wait for the next round of activity to begin.