Conversations I've Had

This week I found myself involved in a few conversations that were...something about them...was just...wrong.

In no particular order I've got a conversation with Amazing Grace...

Amazing Grace: "Stop playing with my beaver."

Me: "But I like your big, soft beaver."

Amazing Grace: "My beaver doesn't like you."

Me: "Fine, play with your own beaver by yourself."

Amazing Grace's beaver that she got from
her awesomely sweet boyfriend
for Valentine's Day.

Up next is a cashier arguing with me about a coupon for my toilet paper...

Kmart cashier: "Your coupon says Cottonelle flushable toilet tissue on it. Your toilet paper is the ripple kind and it doesn't say it's flushable, so you can't use this coupon. You need to go back & get the flushable kind of toilet paper."

Me: I Prince Faced. Actually, I double Prince Faced...

First it was a "Did that make sense in your
head before you said it?" look

Source

Then it was a "Is she serious or am I
being punked?" look.

Source

Next is a conversation with Ginger Girl...

Ginger Girl (said all secretive like she's confessing): "I like to play with your vibrators when you're not around."

Me: Frozen  & staring & without words for a good 20 minutes. Or 20 seconds that felt like 20 minutes. 

Ginger Girl: "I like to push the button & rub them on my neck."

Me: Still staring. Still no words. Still frozen. 

Ginger Girl: "The purple ball vibrator tickles."

Me: "Oh! That's a neck massager. Now don't ever say that again."

Ginger Girl: "Why?"

Me: "Because a neck massager is not the same thing as a vibrator even if it vibrates & don't you ask me what the difference is because I'm not going to tell you but you can never, ever tell anyone you use Mommy's vibrator ever again say these words: 'neck massager' over & over again keep saying them until they're the only words you ever, ever remember ever again in your life because if you say you play with Mommy's vibrator people will think I'm a bad Mom and you want people to know I'm a good Mom I'm a good Mom & it's a NECK MASSAGER don't ask me why just don't say it again. [pause for breath] Timeforbedgoodnight."

Welcome to my world.