Letters To Irritating Irritators That God Sent To Test My Patience Today

Dear car next to me,
See that big sign up there with the picture of 2 lanes merging? The one that's big & bright? See all the cars ahead of you merging from the right to the left lane? Either speed up or slow down 'cause we're not gonna both fit into the one lane. It's your lane that's ending, not mine. I'm in a big truck, you're not. Do you see where I'm going with this? Do you really want to push the issue 'cause I have no problem imprinting my license plate into your ass.

Dear man at gas station,
I appreciate the fact that you moved here from another country. Welcome! Please take the time to learn the language & common social graces. Popping out from behind my truck while I'm filling up with gas & yelling, "Waddup" is not a great way to make friends. In fact, the only reason I didn't call the cops on your ass was 'cause I threw my phone across the parking lot when I jumped & peed my pants. Walking step for step with me into the gas station was not appropriate either. That's what we call S-T-A-L-K-I-N-G. When I went to pay & you were in line ahead of me & I saw you had hot coffee in your hand, I stepped out of your way so you wouldn't trip over me as you turned around. Little did I know you have Gumby legs & your step would be 7 feet behind you while you looked forward. I was able to jump out of your way as you turned around so I didn't get coffee on my new sweatshirt. Let me explain something, I screamed because you scared me. You're scary, yo. I don't know who you learned English from but I suggest you retake the class because a second "Waddup" did not cut it as an "excuse me." Oh, and yelling it doesn't make it sound nicer either. I swear this kind of stuff only happens to me.

Dear 19 other students in my class,
I realize I am almost twice your age & the only one in the class who has had a driver's license for more than 3 years but please do not look to me to tell you what to do. Just because you think I'm old doesn't mean I want to be your Mother. After the instructor asked what show this actor was in & I said Saved by the Bell, it was not funny for every single one of you to look at me & ask what that is. I laughed at all of you at dinner as I drank my glass of wine which was not Boone's (since that's all you can afford) AND was purchased legally, 'cause that's just one perk of being old.

Dear dude on Facebook,
Making fun of someone's belief in animal rights by offering her a McChicken & then calling her rude because she wasn't gracious is sad, not funny. Why don't you offer a dead baby to someone protesting abortion? What? Too much for you? Disgusting? Sad? Rude? Hurtful? That would be offensive? She sees it the same way. Just because you don't agree with her beliefs does not mean they're less important than your own. You disrespected her beliefs in a way that makes me sick. I hope some day you have to defend your beliefs to someone who thinks it's funny to do what hurts you. At least she was out there doing something to educate others on why she believes what she does, which is more than I can say for a lot of people.

Dear guy in truck,
I see you! We can all see you! Don't you have a Hardee's napkin in your glove box for that kind of thing? Look under the Taco Bell sauces. Now blow your nose & we'll pretend you didn't drive for 5 miles with your finger in your nose.

Dear doorknob,
When I bent down to pick up a shoe that was in front of your door, you did not need to choose that moment to reach out & punch me. You say I tripped over the air in front of my feet, I say you punched me. That's domestic abuse. I have the black bruise on my arm in the shape of YOU to prove it. Am I the only person who gets beat up by household objects?

Dear cat,
When you wake me up by jumping on my face & biting my cheeks, I know it's going to be a great day. Must you taste my feet, toes, shoulder, fingers, elbows, knees, calves, hair when I get out of the shower? Purring does not make me want to let you do it. I realize you like the taste of soap, do you realize that's not normal? I will continue to yell in pain when you nibble with your brand-new baby teeth while I'm getting dressed. Whenever I get my drinking cup out of the cupboard, you do not need to howl at me until I let you drink my ice water. There are 7 other people in this house...how do you know exactly which cups are mine when they're on the counter? Why do you only go for my cup & not the others? Drink their ice, you turd! By the way, I am allowed to go outside without you. Standing at the door & howling will not make me come back in sooner. Get over your separation anxiety. Me: human. You: cat.

Some days I wonder why I even venture out around other humans.